and then our exile

A night when past and future trespasses haunt my every step.
Horror at what I have become (satiates please me not).
A night of heart-aching beauty.
A night to curl up in a dark corner and cry till the embrace of the tides of sleep.
A night of intensity...a night to think, to write furiously until the break of dawn, to wonder at the moon, at the mysteries of God, at the shadow-worlds of truth, at the aura of throbbing pain.
A night of external hope.

.

Today, Noor & I played, really, for the first time in too long. All people should play. Buried each other in leaves, leapt into leaf-piles!

In other news, a few minutes ago i really, really wished for Someone's ability to swivel arm-sockets 360 degrees. ha. except, i need it for my head, rather: after an 'isha which made me think very, very, very hard, and a witr in which the same, i went outside to watch the moon, in a very somber, reflective mood. startled three deer over the hill--bounded away through the trees. Silver light washing over the world clear and effusive, shadows stark and plain. If there were enough snow, tonight would be a night wherein I'd ski till sunrise. Or would try. in stages.
But: I listened to the startled-deer-who'd-startled-me bound away, and then sat on the railway tie banking the road, just over the crest of the hill...watching the sky. I sat there for half an hour, until my legs grew chilled and my 'bottom' [actually, my middle, but you know] numb. And the deer came back: O, they came back! I was a piece of railway tie--they came within fifteen metres. My first time, ever, hearing the sounds a fawn makes, calling its mother. Surprisingly loud from the shadows. Reunited. Then, another came up from the hill behind me, *just* next to me, and I had to turn my head, excruciatingly, that it might not be afrighted. and then it passed, and i had to once again turn. ...the promising whistle of the train sweeping over the "lakes and meadows / encompassing our times / though the dawn of ages / and under the trees [...]".

I don't know what it is, but the air affects me, these days. Maybe it's just that the weather's changing.

Remember me to the stars.